Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 13, Episode 2
The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the second episode of the thirteenth series. Key * HD - Hugh Dennis * RB - Rob Beckett * GD - Gary Delaney * AP - Andy Parsons * SP - Sara Pascoe * JW - Josh Widdicombe Topics Things You Won't Hear At The World Cup RB - No one's guaranteed a star in this England team. The only thing that's now all on is Wayne Rooney's hair. HD - Oh, that was a horrible two-footed lunge, but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up. GD - And now our cameraman is gonna pick out some of the plainer girls in the crowd. HD - Let's look at possession. Yes, seven Colombians have been arrested for it... AP - That's Messi, oh Messi. Yes, Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised. JW - There's little doubt now that Christiano Ronaldo is one of the world's all-time greatest twats. SP - Welcome to Sugarloaf Mountain, the hardest levels on Candy Crush. GD - And that's a very soft tackle as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet. HD - Is he the finished article? That's the question. He did very well against Italy but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly against the Dollar and the Yen. AP - And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast, and our commentator, Ron Atkinson. RB - You join us here in Brazil where it's still fuckin' well 'ot. SP - Hey, who's heard what's going on in Iraq? AP - There's six Brazilians in the wall and two in the foundations. That's the mafia for you. JW - Four years later, Paul the octopus is back. And what a stew he made. HD - Andrea Pirlo, the only player in world football to be named after the Palestinian Liberation Organization. Unlikely Things To Hear On A Cookery Programme RB - No, no, no, that's a flower, Nigella. (sighs) AP - You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat, but if your wife does come in, close the laptop, pull up the trousers, and feign ignorance. JW - The thing to remember when making your own pesto is you're wasting your time. HD - So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth, and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit. GD - No I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits. I've just got a bit of eczema at the moment. SP - If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour. And if you add it to your wine you can pass out before the kids get home. HD - You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere. They are goat's horn, chervil, and the frozen tears of an elf. AP - I'm Antony Worrall Thompson. Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles, and parsley, so I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove 'em up my jumper. RB - That's enough cooking, next up we've got some twat trying to flog a book. SP - Mmmmm, does anyone know what's happening in Iraq? JW - Welcome to Chinese Meals In Minutes. (Imitates talking on a phone) I'll have a nineteen and some prawn crackers. HD - So alternatively it's Gas Mark four for twenty minutes. You're watching Dignitas television. JW - This asparagus smells delicious. Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday. AP - After Masterchef, Celebrity Masterchef, and Masterchef: The Professionals, now it's Masterchef: The Only Five People In Britain Who've Not Been On Masterchef. GD - We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's Radio Times. Paul Hollywood is, in fact, a massive cook. JW - We only use the freshest ingredients, so this is Daisy and this is a stun gun. Category:Scenes We'd Like To See